#AD This is a sponsored post as part of my ambassadorship with Johnson’s Baby.
What is Gentle Parenting?
We spent a lot of time at our most recent Johnson’s Baby Ambassador Day discussing Gentle Parenting: what it is, how it’s emerged, why it’s so popular and if it works for us. Straight off the bat, I’ll say I (more or less) identify as a gentle parent. Proper ‘gentle parenting’ purists would most likely take issue with some of my methods, but on the whole, I think it’s been a natural transition to us from the attachment style we fell into at the start of our parenting journey.
The Generation that Parented Me
One of the areas I’ve been particularly interested in learning about, reading about and discussing is the application of generation studies to parenting. Last year at our Ambassador Day in Bath, we heard from The Pineapple Lounge research company, who looked at how different generations have parented, and then how that has affected that generation’s parenting style. We looked at Boomers parenting Millennials, Generation X parenting Generation Z, and Millennials parenting Generation Alpha.
Growing Up with Boomer Parents
(Interestingly, when I first wrote this section, I wrote in very general terms, using plural personal pronouns (we, us). I’ve now amended it, using single personal pronouns (I, me). Whilst I’m fairly sure there any many out there feeling the way I do, I’m not sure I feel comfortable writing such sweeping statements.)
For me, and by the sounds of it, many other Millennials will be the same, my childhood could be summed up by this mission statement: work hard and you’ll reap the rewards. A lot of focus was placed on academic achievement being the door to lifelong happiness and success. The formula was simple: hard work + good grades = University ∴ well paid job + success.
And guess what? I bought into that. I worked hard. I said yes to every opportunity going, and I thought I’d have the world at my feet. It didn’t necessarily turn out as easy as that. The world changed. University tuition fees were introduced, and then hiked. Youth unemployment hit a peak in 2010. House prices soared, creating a pretty high barrier to entry for home ownership. And before I knew it, I was engaged, married and trying to juggle new priorities of parenthood too (which put career aspirations at odds with what was important to me as a mother). Life as an adult wasn’t just challenging, but it was a sharp contrast to what I’d been lead to believe.
And I wasn’t well equipped to deal with that, emotionally. With so much of our time spent studying, working and gaining that well-rounded life experience purely attained for padding out a personal statement on a UCAS application, it left little time to work on mental and emotional health. It wasn’t a primary concern. In our household in particular, no one ever really talked about how they were feeling. It just wasn’t done. Any eruptions of emotion were dealt with by being sent to our room: a signal to us that dealing with any extremes of emotion was something to be done on our own, out of sight.
If I think about how I deal with my emotions now, it is exactly in that way: it’s a private matter, dealt with on my own and behind closed doors (she says, typing on what will become a published online document…). Whilst blogging has enabled me to push my boundaries in that respect (done through a feeling of obligation to share my ‘reality’ and not present our life as unattainably-perfect), I’m not sure it’s necessarily a healthy relationship to have with emotions. And it’s something I’m working on.
The effect on my Parenting Style
I am very grateful for the way I was parented. It’s made me who I am: determined, hard working, moral almost to a fault. But there’s been a huge gap in how I was prepared for adulthood around emotional health and finding happiness outside of a career. It means as a parent, raising an emotionally intelligent child is high on my list of priorities.
For me, the way to do that is to show him from an early age that his emotions are valid. I always, always, try to put myself in his shoes, and understand why it is that he is feeling the way he is. It means tantrums (for the most part) become less annoying and more of a chance for me to understand a bit more about him: what is it that’s important to him and what reassurance does he need?
It’s not about being soft, but about giving him a bit of empathy. Children have so much to learn! They’re not going to get things right all of the time, and they only ever really want to please us. Despite all my worries, I have surprised myself that I’m not a shouty parent (although, I’ll openly admit there’s still time for that to happen in the future, my tougher parenting days are still ahead of me!).
Thinking About Generation Alpha
When I think about Pickle, and his generation (Generation Alpha), I have so many hopes and dreams for what they’ll achieve and the world they’ll create. I have visions of a generation that are accepting and welcoming; a generation that eradicates prejudice and champions inclusion. I hope this generation are well prepared for their adult lives. That they anticipate the challenges ahead but still feel optimistic, knowing they have a toolbox of coping mechanisms to deal with set backs and know how to get themselves back on course.
I hope this generation don’t feel the pressure to measure themselves against an invisible, arbitrary yardstick. I hope they realise that success and happiness comes in many forms.
I parent in a way that I hope will help these dreams come to fruition, whilst holding my hands up to admit that there will of course be things I get wrong, and that we as a generation get wrong. But that’s how it works. This is how we’ll shape the next generation, and they can decide how then to best shape the following generations. For now, for better or for worse, I’m choosing gentle.